


Breaking apart

by wertdifferenz



Series: Falling apart [2]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Dealing With Loss, Flashbacks, Hopeful Ending, Hurt, M/M, POV Adam (Voltron), Post Season 6, Pre Season 7, so much hurt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-09
Updated: 2018-08-09
Packaged: 2019-06-24 12:46:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15630966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wertdifferenz/pseuds/wertdifferenz
Summary: Adam's alone now. Sometimes memories are the only thing that help him through the day.





	Breaking apart

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is the longest thing I have ever written! I'm really proud of it, even though sometimes I was at a total loss for words and am not completly satisfied with how it turned out. 
> 
> Still I hope you enjoy this. I worked really hard to post it before season 7 comes out. I can't wait for it, but I'm so scared of it too!

The black and white photo in the corner of his table mirrors his emotions pretty accurately. It’s the only picture on his desk, and Adam is pretty sure that his superiors oversee it because it’s a photo of Takashi, and no one really speaks against him anymore if the topic involves his presumed dead fiancé.

Papers over papers are stacked on his desk. Adam makes sure to work extra slowly so he isn’t finished before his shift ends and to make sure he has an excuse if the other professors want to drag him out of his office and into some bar near the campus again.

As if on command someone knocks at the door, making Adam sigh and drop his pen on the test he’s grading.

_“Come in.”_

_The door opens tentatively. The cadet entering has his eyes downcast, a slight blush on his cheeks and his textbook clutched so closely to his chest that his knuckles are almost white. Adam eyes him for a second before his brain finally provides him with a name._

_“Cadet McClain, what can I do for you?”_

_His student looks up after hearing his name, taking a second to swallow and let out the breath he’s been holding._

_“I, uh…” he stutters. “I wanted to ask if you could explain me something from the lesson earlier? I would ask my roommate, but he’s working on a group project right now and I don’t want to disturb him.”_

_“Of course.” Even though he doesn’t really like teaching his students individually when they have a whole class of people they can ask, the bright smile appearing on McClain’s face is totally worth it. “How can I help you?”_

_His student lets out a relieved sigh before moving towards Adam’s desk, shuffling through his textbook. It’s covered in sticky notes, most of them blue, and there are a few pieces of paper between every other page. With a closer look Adam realizes they are translations of technical terms from English to Spanish._

_McClain opens the chapter they revised earlier today, puts the book on the table and turns it around so Adam can have a better look. Lance takes a few sheets of paper from between the pages and a pen from his pocket and starts pointing out the things he doesn’t understand._

_This is not his first time explaining stuff to a single person. He used to help Takashi and some classmates with subjects they had trouble with, but this time it’s slightly different. As Adam continues with his explanations, Lance’s face turns more and more confused. Adam stops himself when the cadet doesn’t write a single thing down._

_“Are you alright?” he asks hesitantly._

_Lance blushes and looks down. “Yeah. I, uhm- I just don’t understand a single thing you explained.” He sheepishly looks up to Adam, only to confuse baffle expression with an annoyed on. “I’m sorry, it’s just… I still have problems with my English, and I feel like I have to look up half of the words you just said,” he adds quickly._

_Adam laughs at his openness, startling McClain for a second. He quickly straightens himself to make sure he looks professional. “I’m sorry, I’m not laughing at you. Just at what you said. There are hardly any people here who speak so open with me.”_

_“I’m so-“_

_“No, no, don’t be sorry. It’s okay,” Adam says with a reassuring smile. “You’ll probably get in trouble if you talk to any your superiors like this, but as long as it’s in my office, you don’t have to worry about it.”_

_Lance nods, still a bit hesitant but at least not refusing this offer totally. Honestly, Adam isn’t sure if he would let any other student talk to him like this, but he wants Lance to trust him a bit more. The poor cadet seems stressed enough because of the extra tutoring, Adam doesn’t want to give him more shit for his sincerity._

_He eyes the previous paragraph again, trying to think outside of the box, to answer Lance’s questions without the excessive use of technical terms. “Okay, let me try to rephrase it a bit.”_

“Professor King? Are you listening?”

Adam jerks out of his thoughts and looks up from his desk. “Uh, no, sorry. Could you repeat that?”

That guy’s face looks familiar, but Adam has no idea where he saw him before. Probably a trainee or something like that. A bunch of new people have started their training a few weeks ago, and since the other professors have already given up trying to get Adam out of his office for an evening, the trainees still try from time to time. 

The guy smiles at him. “I was asking if you want to join us for dinner outside the Garrison?”

He glances at the pile of sheets next to him before looking up again. “Sorry, I still have a lot of work to do.”

“Oh, I see.” The trainee looks a bit disappointed but tries to hide it. “Make sure to not overwork yourself.”

“Yeah, I’ll try.” Adam forces himself to smile. “And thanks for the invite.”

“No problem. See you.”

“Bye.”

He lets out a relieved sigh after the door closes. Seems like this plan is still working and will for a couple more times. Since he doesn’t have to slow himself down anymore, he continues with his regular pace and finishes them in twenty minutes. 

He stores his finished work in the left drawer of his desk. He casts a quick glance to the door to make sure no one is watching before moving to the locked drawer to his right and opening it with a key.

Every instructor has a drawer like this. Originally, they were supposed to put things like future tests or syllabuses in here, but since everything is done on computer or tablets now, the drawers are usually used for lunch or, in some cases, a good bottle of whiskey. 

Adam doesn’t hide any drinks or food in here. The only things that the drawer contains is another picture of Takashi in a beautiful light grey frame made of driftwood. It was a Christmas present for both of them. He doesn’t seek out this photo though, but the one hidden behind it.

The clasps on the back of the frame open easily after being used almost daily. The thin wooden backing reveals blue eyes, caramel skin and chocolate brown hair. Combined with his bright smile the picture radiates nothing but happiness. 

Adam traces Lance’s frame with two of his fingers, wishing once again that he could leave the picture on his desk, next to Takashi’s. He only allows himself a few minutes of staring before he carefully hides the picture again. He makes sure the drawer is securely locked, once, twice, and a third time as he gathers his bag and leaves his office for the night.

* * *

_“Stop staring at him!” Adam whispers exasperated into his ear, making Takashi jump slightly. They’re standing at the far back of the hangar, so no one sees them, but Adam still checks if anybody heard them or turned around to see what the two of them are doing._

_It’s usual for instructors to check out other classes, even when they don’t have their own class to teach right now. Most of the fresh instructors sit in lectures or watch flight simulations to steal a few tricks from their older colleagues._

_Neither Takashi or Adam want to learn anything from Iverson, but that’s not the reason they are here anyway. The flight instructor of the cargo pilot class has called in sick today, so the strict old man has to play substitute teacher, and he makes sure the whole room knows that he’s not happy about it._

_Adam ignores the constant screaming to glare at his boyfriend instead. Takashi’s eyes stay on the screens that show the pilots, but both know the amused smile is aimed at Adam. “But he’s cute.”_

_“He’s my student,” Adam retorts._

_This time, Takashi let’s his gaze swift from the screens to his boyfriend. He gives him an untypical eyeroll, something he must have picked up from Keith, before answering. “He was your student, and that was half a year ago.”_

_Another stream of even louder screams makes both of them turn their head back on the screens. The small group is entering a forest area right now, but one of the pilots has almost touched the treetops, falling behind a bit and is stumbling to get back into formation._

_Adam can see how Lance is gritting his teeth. The constant screaming is probably grating on his nerves, as well as making it hard for him to concentrate on the controls. He’s still the best out of the group, keeping his carrier steady and underneath the radar, but even he has his limits. It’s the first time the group practices this simulation and usually the instructors leave them alone, only interfering when someone makes a big mistake that could fail the entire thing._

_Iverson’s noisy screaming is neither helpful nor something that would happen in real life anyway._

_The student gets back on track and the simulation continues without any hitch. The group drops the supplies safely in small area that the ground troops have cleared for the mission and gets out of the area under the radar and in almost record time. Overall the simulation is successful._

_Iverson doesn’t seem to share the sentiment, proceeding to scold the group for the smallest possible mistakes. Takashi sighs next to him and Adam knows they are thinking the same thing. Even experienced pilots miscalculate the distance between aircraft and treetops sometimes and passing the simulation on the first try is something that happens rarely at the Garrison. The group did a damn good job, but Iverson fails to see that._

_He dismisses the whole class after another tirade of scolding and leaves the simulator hall with a frown. The group stays behind to talk about the frustrating class, congratulating themselves and their teammates on the passed simulation to lift the mood a bit._

_Adam turns to Takashi to get back to their previous discussion. “I still tutor him, so he’s still my student. Besides,” Adam grumbles, “he’s a child.”_

_“Gosh, Adam. He is sixteen.”_

_Adam crosses his arms over his chest, something_ he _has picked up from Keith. “So?”_

_Takashi laughs at his gesture, knowing exactly where it’s from. He lowers his voice, so the passing students don’t hear their conversation. “We are twenty. That’s four years! And I’m pretty sure he’s more experienced than both of us together.”_

_“Wha- Takashi!!”_

_His boyfriend chuckles. “What? I heard rumors.”_

_Adam wants to ask exactly what kind of rumor he heard, but the class slowly disbands, and he wants to catch the brunet before he leaves._

_“McClain!”_

_“McClain,” Takashi repeats under his breath, his mocking tone gaining him a hit in the side from Adam’s elbow._

_Lance looks towards them, a bright smile on his face as soon as he recognizes the two figures in the dim lighting._

_“Professor King, Professor Shirogane. What are you doing here?”_

_“We came to watch the simulation.” Takashi chuckles as Lance’s smile turns into a grimace. “You all did a good job. Too bad Iverson was your teacher today though.”_

_“Good to know I’m not the only one sharing this opinion.” Lance knows from previous encounters that neither Adam or Takashi mind his sincerity._

_“I’m pretty sure the whole school shares this opinion,” Adam offers. The three of them laugh at that, glad that the hall is free of students now._

_The small-talk is kept short between them, since they all have different classes to attend next._

_“Oh, I have to go,” Lance says after a quick look on the clock._

_“We should head out too.” Adam bumps Takashi’s shoulder to get his boyfriend out of his staring. They have to part ways in the hallway. “We see us tomorrow?”_

_Lance beams at them, still thankful for the regular tutor lessons. “Yeah! See you!”_

_Even if he doesn’t like the comments of his boyfriend, Adam sure is glad that Takashi keeps the obvious pinning to a minimum when they are around people. What he doesn’t keep to himself though are his unnecessary comments. “He’s cute.”_

_Yes, Sherlock. Lance is cute. But Adam is not willing to share this thought with him. He prefers to scold his boyfriend for saying stuff like this in public instead._

_“Takashi!”_

The angry red letters on the screen grate on his nerves. Adam suppresses a sigh. It’s not good to let out his bad mood on his students, but this class is full of teenagers who don’t take anything seriously. This class feels more like a fighter pilot class than a cargo pilot one with all the tension and aggressiveness between the students. 

The class is not balanced at all, most of the kids should be in a fighter pilot class under strict instructors like Iverson, not in a cargo pilot class pulling the other students down with them. Adam exchanges a look with his superior; his grimace all the confirmation he needs to know that they are thinking the same. 

The group leaves the simulators and gathers in a messy row in front of the two instructors. But instead of waiting quietly for their results, showing at least a little bit of shame over their poor performance, they just keep on bickering with each other until it turns into a fight. 

Adam looks to his superior who seems to be just as annoyed as him. He raises an eyebrow in question, receiving a pointed look towards the class and a short nod. The fighting teenagers haven’t noticed their silent conversation, which he uses to his advantage. 

“CADETS!” Adam shouts, gaining the attention of all students and even making his superior flinch from the sudden outburst. Adam makes sure to apologize to him later, but now he just wants to get through this as soon as possible. 

The group quickly straightens themselves. They had lessons with Iverson before, so they recognize the tone Adam is using. “This was the fifth time you failed the simulation. The lack of respect and teamwork is a serious issue within the whole class.”

They don’t meet Adam’s gaze. Instead their eyes shift between the floor and each other. “Each of you can blame no one else but yourself, because all of you aren’t able to work in a proper team.”

The usual two troublemakers lift their heads to voice their opinion on that, but quickly shut their mouths again as Adam stares both of them down. The rest of the class stays quiet. “If you don’t stop messing around and start working as a proper unit, none of you are going to pass this class.”

Multiple gasps go through the group. Seems like Adam finally found a common thread. Adam steps back to let his superior have the last word.

“Professor King is right,” he says with an acknowledging nod towards him. “You better start working harder or none of your will be hear next year. The Garrison only gives you so many chances to prove yourself, and you guys haven’t used a single one of them.”

The class gets dismissed after a few encouraging words, since neither Adam nor his superior want to go full-Iverson on them. Adam really hopes that his students get it together until their next simulation, or else he has to think of bonding practices for them. 

He guesses he was spoiled with the last few classes, especially Lance’s one. Even though the brunet wanted to be a fighter pilot, he still took his classes, simulations and most importantly his teammates seriously, lifting the spirit of the whole group with his enthusiasm. 

His heart throbs at the thought of Lance. He scolds himself for thinking about him during the day, since it only makes him depressed. Usually Adam allows himself to reminisce about his boyfriends when he’s alone in a private place, but the last few days have him on the edge. Depressing thoughts seem to be decoyed from the stress he’s facing.

He doesn’t really know how he’s supposed to get through the rest of the day like this.

* * *

“Good evening, Professor King. How can I help you today?” 

The librarian Thompson is an old woman who could easily pass as Adam’s grandmother. But Mrs. Thompson is a lot less grumpy and homophobic than his grandma, so Adam doesn’t like comparing this lovely lady to her.

“Good evening, Mrs. Thompson. I wanted to ask if you know where I can find a book about team bonding?” Adam asks with a smile.

“Oh, you can find that in the “psychology of teaching” section. Shelf thirty, either in the section for simulation training or in the regular one. There should be a few books on this topic, since we always have a few students that need some coaching on that. Do you need my help to find them?”

“No, don’t worry about it. I’m sure I can find them on my own. Thank you,” he says. Adam isn’t in the mood for small-talk, and he doesn’t want to burden the old lady with any more problems or work, so he quickly excuses himself. 

The library is almost empty, mostly because it’s an hour before curfew and only the student who either hate their roommates or try to have a serious study-session (for once). The place is quieter like this which makes it just more comfortable for him. 

Classes left him drained again, but as much as he just wants to get home and sleep his misery away, he still has to prepare for the simulation tomorrow. Not that sleep helps him with the negative emotions, but a fitful slumber with nightmares is sometimes better than the harsh reality. 

After some searching he finds a few books that look helpful and sits down at his favorite table in the back of the library. He takes his usual seat, smiling at the little heart he accidentally drew with permanent marker on the tabletop.

_“Adam, please. If I have to remember any more words I’m sure my head is going to explode.” Lance flops down with a sigh. His hair sticks up from the times he racked his fingers through the brown curls. Takashi’s words echo in his mind, and he is still right. Lance is cute._

_He knows it’s hard for Lance, but he tries to reason with him. “You need to know these words by heart for your simulation. I know it’s hard, but you can’t keep yelling made-up synonyms during practice.”_

_“Why not? My team understands it,” Lance whines, and Adam scolds himself this time because he should be annoyed by this, not amused. Seriously, teachers are not amused by their students cute whining._

_“Your current team does, but you will fly with a lot of different people in the future, and I’m pretty sure they won’t be able to understand what a ‘wheel stick’ is.”_

_Lance snorts. “’Wheel stick’ is easy though. I would be more concerned with ‘heat eraser’.”_

_“I really don’t understand who you can remember ‘jet engine heat eraser’ but not ‘fire extinguisher’.”_

_“But extinguisher is such a hard word. Did you ever try writing it? It’s impossible!” Lance retorts with a grin. His voice is barely quiet enough for a library, but from the glint in his eyes he knows exactly what he’s doing._

_More than a year of tutoring gave Adam enough time and opportunities to learn some of Lance’s quirks. One of them manifests itself in jokes, bickering, or simply trying to shift the attention to unimportant topics. Those are times when the brunet needs a break from studies but is not comfortable to ask for one directly._

_“There you are!” They both look up from Lance’s sheet to see Takashi glancing around the corner with a smile._

_“Hey Professor Shirogane.”_

_Takashi grimaces at him. “Ugh, please don’t call me that. Especially if you call Adam by his name.”_

_Lance blushes slightly at that. “Sorry, Takashi. I’m just not used to that.”_

_Adam eyes him for a second, knowing exactly what he’s planning, but chooses not to scold him in front of Lance. “What are you doing here?”_

_“I was looking for you.” Takashi grins. “You missed dinner.”_

_Both of them check the time, Adam on his wrist watch and Lance on his phone. They didn’t mean to spend so long in the library, but thankfully they still have an hour before Lance’s curfew, so they don’t have to hurry. Lance glances up from his phone, ignoring the unread messages to look at Adam._

_“Sorry to keep you here so long.”_

_“Don’t worry about it, I didn’t have anything important to do anyway,” Adam says with a smile._

_Takashi perks up at that. “We wanted to eat dinner together.”_

_“See, nothing important.” The smile turns into a smirk._

_Takashi whips his head towards him, a pout on his lips. “Hey!”_

_Lance is used to their little quarrels by now, so he wholeheartedly laughs with them. Sometimes he even dares to add a few words against one of them or even both of them on his own, making Adam happy that he feels so comfortable in their presence._

_Takashi sits down with them, choosing the place next to opposite from Adam and Lance. “What are you studying today?”_

_“Mostly vocabulary.” Lance grimace. The language barrier is almost gone by now, but Takashi knows from Adams retelling that Lance has some problems remembering the correct terms._

_“Can I help?”_

_“I think we’re good,” Adam answers with an honest smile. “It’s probably better if you take a break and review the words before going to bed,” he says to Lance._

_“Yeah, that works for me.” Lance quickly closes his book, the eagerness to have a break clearly visible._

_While Lance is distracted with his bag, Takashi holds a nonverbal conversation with his boyfriend. Adam shakes in head in clear disapproval, too accustomed to him to not know what he wants to ask, especially since they talked about this the night before. Takashi opts to ignore him. “Hey Lance, can I ask you a question?”_

_“Yeah, sure.”_

_A faint blush is visible on his cheeks, but Takashi is just too curious. “Are you seeing someone right now?”_

_“W-what?” Lance skin explodes in a deep red._

_“Takashi!”_

_“Sorry, sorry.” He laughs apologetically, but his blush is still there. “I just heard some rumors and got curious.”_

_“Rumors?” Lance perks up. About me?”_

_Takashi nods. “Yep. I overheard some students from the engineer class saying that you are seeing some girl named Jenny.”_

_“Oh, that.” Lance groans into his hands. “She isn’t my girlfriend or anything.”_

_The annoyance in Lance’s voice makes Takashi share a look with Adam before he carefully presses on. “Okay?”_

_“To be honest, she isn’t even a real person.”_

_This time it’s Adam who speaks up. “Wait, I can’t follow.”_

_Lance eyes both of them, ocean blue gems shifting from one to another. He lowers his voice to make sure they are the only ones that hear the next few words. “My roommate caught me with a hickey last month, and he can’t keep a secret even if his life depends on it.” He sighs. “I made up a girl’s name, so he doesn’t find out that I made out with a guy.”_

_“You’re gay?”_

_“Nah, I’m bi. But it’s something private and I don’t want the whole school to know.” He suddenly looks scared. “You won’t tell anyone, right?”_

_“Don’t worry, we won’t,” Adam quickly promises, receiving a grateful smile in return._

_Even though he tells himself not to feel this way, he can’t help but feel happy that Lance trusts them enough to share his secret with both of them._

Adam spends a good hour in the library, reading multiple chapters on team-bonding and trying to form a plan to get his current class to work together. It’s only when Mrs. Thompson lets him know that the library will close in a few minutes he decides to head home for the night. 

Even though it’s still pretty early, he’s just about to go to bed when his phone rings in his bag. He gets up and into the living room where he left it to answer the call. He stifles a yawn before pressing the green button. 

“Hello?”

“Hello Adam.” A friendly female voice is on the phone, and Adam has no problem recognizing the owner. 

“Good evening, Colleen.”

“I hope I’m not disturbing you?” she asks, always so polite. 

Adam can’t hide the small smile that reflects in his voice. “No, no. Don’t worry, I’m free right now.”

Colleen sighs relieved, but for the next few words her voice switches to a serious tone. “Okay, good, because I need to ask you something…”

* * *

The sheets smell of sweat when he finally finds some time to rest. Adam reminds himself to put ‘change sheets’ on the to-do list on his fridge; well aware that he will forget this in the morning, well aware that he didn’t look at the list for two months now. 

Sleeping is nothing more than a task for him, like eating and working. A plain routine that keeps him going, drags him through the bad days and the even worse ones. But honestly? You can’t really expect much from him after the death of the man he wanted to marry and the disappearance of the man he loved just as much. 

Even though he thinks of sleeping as a task, his body and mind share another opinion, making it impossible sometimes to get the healthy amount of rest the Garrison recommends. This is just another night of many where he lays still in his bed, trying to get the hurricane of thoughts in his head to calm down. 

He can’t blame his brain for not shutting up today, not after Colleen hung up to leave him with all these confusing conspiracy theories. He doesn’t want to call all these new information and Colleen’s thoughts anything else than that. He doesn’t even want to think about it, because he knows that he will only get his hopes up, his impossible hopes for his boyfriends to be alive. 

Adam rolls on his back, sighing while dragging his hand down his face. The moon shines through the half-closed curtains, illuminating the room in a silver hue. Adam used to like those kinds of nights where it’s dark enough to sleep but bright enough to watch the resting faces of his lovers after a long day. 

_Takashi rolls around again, a clear sign that he’s got too much on his mind to find sleep. Adam can imagine what’s going through his head; after seven years of going through all kinds of relationship statuses - roommates, friends, partners, lovers, boyfriends – you get a feeling for the other one._

_“Takashi,” Adam groans after being wrestled from his boyfriend. Again._

_“Sorry.” Takashi says quickly, and there really is an apologetic hint in his voice. He sighs, drags his hand through his black hair, sighs again, and finally looks at Adam. “I can’t sleep.”_

_Adam huffs. “I can see that.” He watches Takashi grimace at his words, watches his forehead furrow and his eyes wander over the ceiling. “What’s on your mind?”_

_“Lance.”_

_“No,” Adam groans. He rolls around, trying to make Takashi understand that he will not talk about Lance by refusing to face him._

_Takashi completely ignores his weak defense by flopping himself over his boyfriend, knocking the air out of his lungs and proceeding to whine with his most annoying voice. “I miss him.”_

_“Takashi!”_

_“Adam.”_

_Turning around to get the weight off of him, Takashi is now draped over his chest. Only now Adam can see that his boyfriend even brought out the heavy guns: puppy eyes. Adam rolls his eyes and looks at the ceiling to get away from Takashi’s staring. “We had this talk already.”_

_A low hum vibrates in both their chests. “Yeah, but your reasons are dumb, and my crush isn’t going away. Neither is yours. I request another talk.”_

_“My reasons aren’t dumb,” Adam pouts._

_Takashi grins at him. “They are.”_

_“They’re no-“ Another glance at Takashi’s teasing grin makes him shut up. He knows that sometimes there is really now use in trying to have a reasonable argument with his boyfriend. Adam rubs his face and the sleep from his eyes before looking at him. “Fine. Talk.”_

_Takashi has the balls to look excited. “Okay, so about the things you said are morally questionable. First: He’s not your student.”_

_“But he was my student.”  
“That was almost a year ago. And you helping him with some classes doesn’t make you his teacher.”_

_As if Adam doesn’t know that. Still… “He’s so young.”_

_Takashi props himself on his elbow to get a better look at his boyfriend. “He is sixteen. He’s going to be seventeen next week. We are just four years older.”_

_“Four years are a lot for a teenager. We are the adults here.”_

_“Lance has to look after his two younger siblings and a whole ton of nieces and nephews in his free time. He taught himself English and moved to a different continent to follow his dream and become a pilot. All alone. When he was fourteen. He’s probably more mature then we are, even if he doesn’t act like it sometimes. We act like children sometimes. Hell, even Iverson acts like a child sometimes.”_

_Both chuckle at that._

_Adam sits up now. The next point is probably the most serious one, beside the age gap and Lance being a minor. “The Garrison doesn’t allow it.”_

_“The Garrison doesn’t have to know,” Takashi whispers with a mischievous glint in his eyes._

_“Yeah, but…” It’s not as easy as that, and both of them know that. “How would you feel if you would have to keep our relationship a secret?”_

_Takashi actually takes a moment to think about that. He hums before voicing his opinion. “I wouldn’t like it, but I think it would be worth it.” He sits up and bumps Adam’s shoulder encouragingly. “Besides, it’s just for a year. After Lance graduates and starts real flight training, this rule won’t apply anymore.”_

_Adam is not in the mood for any playfulness, so he doesn’t bump his shoulder back. “If someone finds out, the Garrison will throw all of us out.”_

_“Lance knows how to keep a secret.”_

_There is a silence between them before Adam can think of something else to say. “Lance is not poly,” he points out. He is slowly running out of points._

_“As far as we know.”_

_Adam raises an eyebrow. “We’re not poly either.”_

_“But we both like him.” Takashi bumps his shoulder again._

_“Yeah,” Adam sighs. He leans away as Takashi tries to bump him another time, ending up with his boyfriend in his lap. His hand raises automatically to play with Takashi’s soft hair. “We don’t even know if he’s interested.”_

_Takashi smirks at him, so damn smug about his victory. “Only one way to find out.”_

_That smirk earns him a pillow in his face._

He didn’t even realize that he has fallen asleep until he wakes up again. The dream leaves him with bittersweet feelings; he is stuck between happy memories and cruel reality. Adam doesn’t dare to turn around and take in the empty bed, opting for staring at the moon outside the window instead. 

The silver hue leaves him feeling lonely.

* * *

Adam feels stupid standing between middle-aged football-moms and teenage girls in the middle of the home décor section of the nearest shopping mall. It’s the nearest mall, but still thirty miles away from the Garrison. 

It’s Tuesday in the middle of summer holidays, so no one from the school will be here and ask questions like ‘why are you looking at picture frames?’ and ‘what’s up with the white flower in your hand?’; questions Adam doesn’t have an answer to. At least not a damage-free one. 

Again, he feels stupid, even when he finds a frame Lance would have loved, even when he hands the cashier the twenty-five dollars for it and receives one in return, even when he drives home and fishes the picture of the brunet on their first official date out of the brown envelope, even as he places the finished picture next to Takashi’s on his dresser, drapes the white butterfly lily next to it and lights a candle. 

The Garrison is quiet. Only a few students stay over the holidays, since a trip home is either too expensive or they don’t have a home to return too. 

_With a bit of financial aid from the whole family, Lance managed to go home this summer. It’s been two years since he’s seen his parents and siblings in person; he’s been excitedly telling Adam all the stuff he’s going to do with them in their weekly meetups._

_Takashi jokingly asked for beach pictures before the brunet left, since Adam and he will be stuck with work and training in the Garrison. Lance eagerly promised to send one each day, and now his phone has a new file filled with sun-kissed skin, ocean blue eyes and… yeah, the actual ocean in the background. Lance’s happy smile just outshined everything._

_Their midnight talk was a week ago, and for the last seven days they thought of how to approach the subject. Now Takashi is hanging over his shoulder, trying to get the phone in his hands with annoying grabbing motions, absolutely about to provoke Adam into a reaction._

_“Come on!” Takashi whines into his neck. The kisses he leaves there shortly after are his next try into coaxing Adam to press the ‘send-button’._

_“Are you sure this is okay?” Adam takes his time to reread the few lines for the tenth time._

_“Adam! It’s a simple text!”_

_“Our future relationship depends on this text.”_

_“Oh my god, it doesn’t!” Takashi releases his grip on Adam’s shoulder and flops himself back onto the back, giggling like a child. “Now I get why it took you two months to ask me out on a date.”_

_Adam groans and flops himself right onto Takashi’s stomach. He might be a bit amazed that his head hits rock-hard abs if his body wouldn’t look almost the same. He took up training again to not fall behind his boyfriend who spend hours in the training facility, trying to work on Keith’s anger management. “You promised me not to mention this ever again.”_

_“Babe, I’m willing to use every weapon I have to get you to send that text.”_

_‘Every weapon’ consists of tickling Adam in all the weak spots Takashi knows of. And that are many._

_“Alright, alright. I give up. I will send it.” Adam resigns, half lying on the floor to get out of his boyfriends grasps and heavily out of breath._

_Takashi huffs at him as Adam lifts the phone where it fell on the sheets. He unlocks the screen and gets back to his messages where he sees that he accidentally sent that text already, and that Lance has seen that text already, and that he’s writing a reply already._

_They hold their breath until three thumbs-up emoji pop up in the text bubble on the left side, followed by the words ‘I’d love to!’_

He doesn’t feel like doing anything else today than relive the memories from their first date, a belated birthday present as Lance liked to call it later on. A small bouquet, a trip to the movies and food from a nice diner later on, cheap and cheesy, the best present he has ever received Lance claimed over and over again. Not the free movie or food, but the time and thought they spend on him. 

The flower fills the room with a sweet scent, lulling Adam into a fitful sleep.

* * *

Adam doesn’t feel right as he makes his way downtown to Colleen Holt’s house. It’s like the slim file of documents the Garrison gave him upon Takashi’s death is mocking him through the leather, metal and fabric of his car.

He doesn’t know what Colleen is looking for, and since he refuses to look at the documents that are just the last few training reports of his fiancé and non-confidential reports of the last few conversations between earth and the crew before they left the space craft to collect samples of Kerberos, too afraid of what they might say, too afraid that Takashi’s disease might be the cause of the death of three people after all, he has no choice but to bring Colleen all of the documents himself. 

She asked him not to send it per mail, and since it’s only a half hour drive he decides to bring it to her in person. Even though most of their conversations deal with the death or disappearance of their beloved ones, Colleen is always nice company because she just gets it. 

The regret, the loss, the thoughts that won’t let them sleep at night, the nightmares when they finally fall asleep. The fear, the hope. The fear of hope. 

_“So, if you decide to go, don’t expect me to be here when you get back.”_

_He sees the hurt in Takashi’s face, but he hurts just the same. And he tried and tried to talk Takashi out of this, tried to get Lance away from his neutral stance on the topic and on his side, but nothing works. And he can’t do this anymore; can’t face the pain and worry and uncertainty of Takashi’s actions._

_The noise of the door closing jerks him out of his thoughts. He’s hunched over on his couch, elbows digging in his knees, hands buried in his hair, so he doesn’t know who joins him in his misery until the person speaks up._

_“Adam,” Lance says softly._

_“What?” he barks, feeling so hurt, emotions so raw._

_Lance gets closer, voice still soft but with a tinge of hurt underneath. “Hey, don’t snap at me.” He hesitantly touches Adam’s shoulder and relaxes when he doesn’t get any resistance._

_“I’m- I’m sorry. I’m just- it’s too much, and I can’t- I can’t…” His chest is too tight, and the sobbing keeps him from breathing._

_“Hey.” Lance quickly gets to him, places his hands on Adam’s cheeks and gently moves his head up, almost facing the ceiling. Lance stands in between his legs, thumbs caressing the wet skin under his eyes, his gaze fixed on him. “Babe. Look at me. Breath with me, okay?”_

_It takes a few minutes to match Lance’s even breaths. Adam feels even more drained than after the fights when he’s finally calm enough to speak again. The tears have stopped, but a sob breaks through his lips from time to time. Lance releases Adam’s face. His head falls forward, buried in the orange fabric of the cadet’s jacket._

_“Did you talk to him?” he mumbles into Lance’s stomach._

_“Yeah. He’s convinced you broke up with him.” His voice is everything but happy._

_“Maybe I did.”_

_Lance frowns at him, disapproving. “Adam…”_

_“I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I can’t go through this again.”_

_“We can’t really control our emotions. You’re going to feel like this anyway, so you might as well stick around.” Lance shrugs._

_His nonchalant way of saying such things stirs the anger in Adam. He looks up, accusation screaming in his eyes. “How can you be okay with him leaving us? You know about his disease! You know how little time he has left!”_

_Lance angrily huffs at him but doesn’t let go. “I’m not okay with it! Gosh, I wish I could just nail his ass to the bed and make sure he never leaves the room again. But I can’t, because it’s not fair to him. It’s his life, and it’s his time that’s running out, and it’s his fucking decision how he wants to use it. I wish I could make him stay, Adam, but I can’t.”_

_Adam sniffs. “It’s not fair to us either…”_

_Lance visibly deflates. “I know. I know…” He slowly moves back to his previous place, standing between Adam’s knees. This time, his boyfriend hugs him back when Lance puts his arms on his shoulders, using the position to softly card his fingers through the dark blond hair. “You have to talk to him.”_

_Adam doesn’t usually act stubborn or childish, but this time he doesn’t want to be the reasonable one. Takashi has to understand that his decision affects all of them; that it hurts all of them. “I don’t want to.”_

_“He’s leaving in a few days.”_

_“I can’t face him right now.”_

_“Okay, okay. Just…” Lance sighs. “Just make sure he knows he still has a fiancé before he leaves, yeah?”_

_“You can tell him that,” Adam pouts, a perfect copy of the weapon one of his boyfriends like to use convince Takashi and him of a stupid idea._

_Lance chuckles. “You know I will, but it sounds better when it comes out of your mouth.”_

“Adam, thank you for coming.”

Colleen’s voice jerks him out of his thoughts. Adam didn’t even realize that he arrived at her house, parked his car and knocked at the front door.

“Hello, Colleen.” After a brief hug Adam follows her into the living room. They sit on the small free space on the couch. Everything else, the table, the floor, even the sofa in the corner are covered with papers, documents and notebooks.

Colleen looks around the room before setting her eyes on Adam. “I was cleaning Katie’s room and accidentally knocked a few of her notebooks over. I saw Matt’s name on one of the pages and just couldn’t stop myself from reading it. First I thought it was some kind of journal, but it’s written more like a research paper.” She hands Adam a green notebook. The most pages are crumbled and have dog-ears, some have poorly drawn sketches that he recognizes as outlines of some offices at the Garrison. 

“I know I shouldn’t read her stuff without asking her first, but…” Colleen doesn’t finish the sentence, but she doesn’t have to. Adam gets what she wants to say: _…but she can’t ask her anyway. It doesn’t matter anyway._

“Colleen, why are you showing me this?” Adam asks hesitantly. He doesn’t know if he wants to hear the answer. 

“Katie found something I thought would be important to you.” She takes a deep breath before starting her explanation. “Sam and I told each other everything. Our feelings, our deepest fears and secrets, and sometime even confidential concerns about his missions.” She takes Adam’s hand in her own and squeezes reassuringly. “Adam, Sam told me about Shiro’s disease.”

Adam doesn’t want to look at her, so he stares at his fist in his lap instead. “I’m so sorry. I should ha-”

“No, Adam, no no no,” Colleen interrupts him. “Please don’t blame yourself, and please don’t blame Shiro either.”

“What? I don’t-“ Adam looks up, only to see Colleens friendly smile. He doesn’t feel like he deserves this smile. “What do you mean?”

“Here.” She opens the notebook for him and points at a paragraph. “The Garrison never told us anything else than ‘pilot error’ as the reason for the crash. Katie didn’t believe them, since she shared the same thoughts about Shiro’s capability as my husband and son. She’s a stubborn little genius with little self-control. You remember her breaking into the Garrison?”

Adam nods. “I do.”

“Well, yeah. I believe it didn’t end with that. I don’t know how, but the Garrison accepted her as a student afterwards, and I think she used her position there to get more information.”

“Katie was a student with us? But I never saw her anyw-“ A thought, or rather a memory shoots through his mind. It’s true, he never saw Katie, but Lance did.

“What?”

“I remember talking with, uh… with one of my students about his teammate that looks like Matt. He described him as fourteen years old, very good with computers but bad at communication I think. We wondered if it could be Katie, and he said he would keep an eye on them.”

Colleen falls back into the sofa. “Why am I not surprised to hear that?” she groans. “I can’t imagine what else she did to find out more about her brother and father.”

She rubs her arms absent-mindedly while her eyes wander through the living room. “Katie didn’t believe a single word the Garrison said. She didn’t believe that they are dead, and she didn’t believe it was Shiro’s fault either. At least with the second part I can agree with her.” Colleen takes the notebook from Adam’s hands and flips through a few pages. She returns the book when she finds what she’s been talking about earlier. “This page. Read it.” 

Adam eyes her for a second before starting to decipher the messy handwriting. He get’s the general idea of the information on the paper. Katie’s talking about Takashi, his training and eating habits right months before the mission, his health and capability to conduct it successfully. 

After reading it for a second time, he looks up to meet Colleen’s eyes. “This is…”

“I know it seems a bit creepy that she has all this information of Shiro, but it’s really helpful. Together with the data of the training reports and the reports of their conversations, I believe that Shiro’s disease was at bay for the time being. He kept up his regular training and a nutritious diet, even in space. It didn’t kill off the disease, but I think it kept it at bay for the time being.”

“You mean…”

Colleen sighs. “What I’m trying to say is: I believe what Katie tried to prove. I believe that this ‘pilot error’ is not the reason for the failure of the Kerberos mission.”

Adam let’s out a shuddering breath. This is… just too much right now. He’s fighting back some tears while he tries to wrap his head around everything. _It’s not his fault. It’s not the diseases fault._

A bittersweet feeling forms in his chest. He can’t help but feel ashamed for being so happy about his next realization. _It’s not my fault for not stopping him._

Colleen lets him think for a while. She brings him some water and offers some tissues for the tears he couldn’t fight of anymore. It’s late in the evening when Adam decides that it’s time for him to go. 

He bids her goodbye at the front door and thanks her for the evening. But before leaving he just wants to let her know something important. 

“I don’t know what to think of Takashi, Matthew and Sam,” he says carefully. “But I don’t believe that Katie and the other two Garrison students are dead.” 

Adam looks her in the eyes, trying to convince the trust in his own words with a single gaze. Colleen’s little smile tells him that she understands. 

“Let’s just hope you are right.”

* * *

_The moment he gets called into the headmaster’s office he knows his world is going to change._

_You don’t get called in by the big boss of a military facility without something terrible happening._

_And yeah, he was right. The report is crumpled by how strong Adam is holding it between his fingers. He wants to tear it apart, but as strong as his death grip on the paper is, his body lacks any other kind of strength. He watches the droplets that suddenly appeared on the paper sink into it while listening to the condolescence from the man in front of him._

_Not that the words matter to him; not that anything really matters right now besides the angry red words on the report that read ‘Pilot Error’ and ‘Crew Presumed Dead’._

_“We wanted to tell you before the press finds out.”_

_With the turmoil that’s going through the school after the official press report the same afternoon, no one really notices the cadet sneaking into his and Takashi’s apartment with a spare key. Lance has to fight his way through the trashed flat, broken plates and glasses on the floor, a vase shattered on a dresser, Adam’s trembling frame hunched in the corner of the living room._

_Adam looks up when he sees a shadow approaching, not feeling a single tint of happiness as he recognizes his lover, not feeling a single tint of comfort as he drags Lance on the floor with him, not feeling a single thing as he weeps into the soft brown curls._

_His sobs don’t die for the rest of the night, old tears don’t get a chance to dry on his heated skin as new ones just keep coming, his grip doesn’t weaken around the brunet’s back, but he doesn’t have to worry about that, because Lance holds onto him with the same force._

_The only time they move is in the early morning, when the headmaster visits to let him know that the school stays closed for today, to give the students and teacher some time to mourn their heroes. Lance hides in the bedroom the whole time, standing in front of the bed he used to share with his two boyfriends and too scared to even touch it right now._

_Adam joins him after a while, takes off his jacket first, then Lance’s as he’s still not moving. He gently takes Lance’s hand, figuring that his boyfriend is feeling the same pain as him and leads them under the blanket. Exhausted and drained they sleep for a few hours, waking from a nightmare and realizing it wasn’t one before crying again._

_They don’t do anything but lay there until Lance can’t ignore his phone anymore, a dozen missed calls from his roommate who’s getting more and more anxious by his sudden disappearance. He answers him with some blunt lie before falling into Adam’s arms again._

_Lance silently slips out the second morning after Adam prodded him that he can’t miss class, after Lance prodded back that he will be back in a few hours after he gets an attestation from the nurse.  
Adam doesn’t know how the brunet does it, but he returns, hair still unkempt, clothes still the same from two days ago, hand full of food his roommate made to relieve some stress. They both lack the appetite but force each other to eat, at least a little bit, then force each other to drink, draining two bottles of water each before their stomachs start to hurt, force each other to get a shower because they look like shit and reek and the shower won’t make them feel better emotionally, but at least wash away the tear stains on their cheeks. _

_Lance spends another day and another night with him until he has to visit the nurse again, not feeling better but not getting another attest either, so he leaves for class the fourth day, returning later than planned because Iverson dragged him into his office afterwards._

_Lance doesn’t cry when he lays back in their bed, doesn’t say anything for a while, just staring at the ceiling, so Adam does the same._

_A breathless whisper disturbs the silence. Adam can hear the pain in Lance’s voice. “Keith flunked out.”_

_It takes some time for Adam to comprehend these words, but then… “What?”_

_“I heard he punched Iverson, but I doubt this is the whole story.” Lance takes a deep breath, steeling himself for the next words. “I got his place in fighter class.”_

_It hurts both of them to think about the consequences of that. Not only the ugly promotion and the things Lance has to brace himself for in fighter class, but also the uncertainty of Keith’s future, the pain from the loss all of them have to endure, their actions limited, basically nothing they can do to make the next months a bit easier._

_Lance starts crying again. Adam turns on his side and holds him._

* * *

This might not be the best thing he has ever done, and on an illegal-scale from one to ten this would definitely be a number that would make his rule-breaking boyfriends proud, but Adam is on a mission here. 

The answers he seeks are more important than his job, not that he has to be afraid of getting caught. He vividly remembers Lance teaching Takashi and him how to successfully sneak through the Garrison without getting caught, and even though he’d never thought he’d ever have to use this knowledge, it sure comes in handy right now. 

You know, Adam stopped caring about his job after the two guys he considers family vanished into deep space, but he still doesn’t want to lose it. Steady income, a good daily routine, a nice flat, access to Iverson’s computer… this job sure has some benefits.

Hacking into the Garrisons databank is quite easy if you know that you’re superior uses his favorite type of aircraft as a password and knowing the program from various boring internships. He’s pretty sure Katie would have even less problems finding for what he’s looking for, but she’s not here, and he’s looking at stuff regarding her disappearance, so she doesn’t have any information on this in one of her notebooks either. He just has to do this alone.

_“My new teammate is weird,” Lance mumbles into his chest. They are resting on the couch today, limbs entangled, brown curls falling off his shoulder. He hasn’t cried in front of Adam in a few weeks now, but his hoarse voice and red eyes tell him that he’s just crying elsewhere._

_Adam turns his head a bit, presses his lips against Lance’s forehead, just because he can. And because Lance always liked this gesture. “How so?”_

_“He looks a lot like Matt.” Lance stares to the floor, not noticing Adams questioning look until he nudges his side a bit. Lance looks up, reads him with a sigh and fumbles with his jacket to get his phone. He opens his gallery and swipes through a few pictures of notes from his class until he finds one of his new teammates and him._

_And… yeah. Lance is right. “They look like twins.” Adam grabs the phone to get a closer look, zooming in and out of the picture to look at the blond, zooming in and out again to look at his boyfriend. Lance chuckles at that, a sound Adam has missed for a while now. He gives the phone back to him with a smile on his own._

_“I think Matt had a sister,” Adam starts, trying to think back of the things Takashi has told him about the Holt’s. Sam Holt seemed to talk a lot about his two kids, Matt and Katie, his wife Colleen, their dog Rover and his weird obsession with peas. “What do you know about your teammate?”_

_“He’s fourteen, pretty good with a computer, but a really bad communicator. He’s not interested in any of our classes or training,” Lance lists the things down on his fingers._

_“You know Matt’s sister tried to break into the Garrison?”_

_Lance’s head shots up from his shoulder, implying that he didn’t knew that. Well, no wonder. The Garrison does a good job at covering things up. Keith’s fight with Iverson is still nothing more but a rumor, even Adam doesn’t know the whole story._

_Lance stays quiet for a while. Adam lets him think. He knows how smart his boyfriend is, and that he has no problem connecting the dots, but this theory is still a lot to wrap his head around. “If it’s true what you’re implying, then this would make a lot of sense,” he hums in the end._

_“Are you going to do something about it?” Adam asks curiously. He’s never been in a situation like this, not even in training, and he doesn’t know what he would do if this decision was his. Thankfully, Lance has a clearer opinion on things._

_“No. Even though he’s my teammate, it’s not really my business, and I don’t think it would be appreciated if I try to help him. But I’ll try to watch out for them a little, keep Iverson off his back and everything.”_

_Adam nods. “Yeah, I think that’s the best you can do for now.”_

_“I saw them sneak around the hallway earlier, might as well join them on their little adventure tomorrow.” He nudges Adam’s side a bit when he sees his disapproving frown. “I’ll take Hunk with me for a team bonding session.” Lance grins._

_Adam makes a face, not too keen to hear about all the rule-breaking his boyfriend frequently does. Even though Lance wouldn’t be here if he too didn’t break a few rules back then… and even now._

_“Don’t get caught,” he mutters._

_Lance’s smile widens, and there is a well-known glint of mischief in his eyes. “Never, or else I wouldn’t be able to do this!” He jumps with his whole weight into Adam’s chest and kisses him senseless. Adam is too occupied by the soft lips to notice Lance’s hand on his waist, only realizing his mistake when his whole body shakes from the tickling attack._

_They settle for the night shortly after that, breathless from the tickle fight. Adam’s cheeks hurt from smiling so much, something he hasn’t done in the last few months after…_

_He’s glad that Lance seems to feel the same, as he stays the whole night snuggled closely to his chest._

_The next day goes on like any other, Adam is occupied by classes and training simulations and he doesn’t get to see Lance the whole day. Since he knows Lance won’t come to him this night, he goes to bed early and hopes that he gets a chance to hold him tomorrow._

_Around midnight the blaring of alarms wakes him from his sleep. He quickly gets up and joins the professors and instructors in the headmaster’s office to get a quick briefing on the situation. They don’t receive a lot of information, only that the Garrison is closed down for confidential reasons right now and they have to count and take care of the students until further information._

_Adam and a few other teachers take care of the newest cadets. They gather everyone in the big cafeteria, trying to answer as many anxious questions a possible with their limited knowledge. When the senior classes join their group, he desperately scans the room for Lance, but can’t spot him between the students._

_He only learns later that three students are missing._

_Only sees the message on his phone the next morning, when he gets a breather from his duty and a few minutes in private._

__“Takashi is alive” __

 _That’s the last thing he will hear from Lance._

He grimaces at the memories that flood his head while he tries to work through the system. It’s not hard to find the reports and documents of the day Lance disappeared, but the sheer mass of unimportant or uninteresting data is almost overwhelming. 

Adam klicks himself through multiple reports from inside the Garrison, getting more and more frustrated because he knows what happened inside the school, he was there. Everyone was there beside a few of his superior officers and researchers. 

The research chronicles don’t show anything important either. It seems like they didn’t have time to examine the “specimen” before it managed to escape. 

After what feels like hours Adam finally stumbles upon some information from right outside the scene. It’s a lot of gibberish they talk about, military assistance, strategical positioning, securing an unidentified ship after it crash-landed in the dessert…

Wait, what?

Adam rereads the last few lines, and yes, it says an unidentified, manned ship landed in the middle of the dessert, near the Garrison. Military forces and researchers were sent out to investigate the cause while the Garrison closed down for safety reasons. 

A few videos show up next, security footage from outside the makeshift lab the staff set up. A young man with a masked breaking into the lab after the guards were lured away by some explosions, the three missing students following him inside. 

Adam holds his breath as he recognizes Lance under them. He has seen the other two before, on photos his boyfriend showed him of his team. Nothing happens for a while until not four, but five people leave the lab, Lance and the boy without his mask on, Keith. Between them is an unconscious man, and only when they scramble on the hover bike nearby Adam can see his face. 

Takashi. 

The group drives off, followed by a few cars from the military. The video stops there, the clock in the corner showing it was around one in the morning.

With renewed motivation he skims through more reports until he finds another one from the military. Apparently, the group got away after driving off a cliff, making it impossible for the cars to follow. Lance’s text came much later, so they must have gotten away to safety. 

Adam is just about to wrap things up to make sure he doesn’t get caught when he finds a last interesting document. The report is from Iverson himself. He states in there that he saw a giant unidentified ship that looked like a lioness roam through the sky before leaving earth’s atmosphere. He checked the radars, but the ship miraculously vanished from the radar between Pluto and Kerberos. 

That’s… that all- 

Takashi and Lance… 

His head aches, his whole body shakes, and all Adam can think of is to get out. He leaves Iverson’s office, making sure that no one notices the break-in and sneaks through the empty halls to the rooftop of the school. 

Takashi and Lance are…

He doesn’t know what he should think about first. The crash? The alien spaceships? The break-out? It’s just too much to comprehend. A bundle of information knots together in his head and he can’t find the beginning of the thread. Images and memories flash through his head in highspeed, always repeating the same few words. 

Takashi and Lance…

Takashi and Lance are…

_Takashi and Lance are alive._

* * *

_“Hey Adam…”_

He stops the video. 

Holds his breath.

Stares at the screen.

Hand hovering over the play-button to take in the man he hasn’t seen in two years. To take in his lover he presumed dead most of that time. To take in his alive boyfriend.

An eternity later he continues the video. 

_“It’s, uh, it’s been a while, I guess. A lot of stuff happened, but I guess you heard some of it from Sam. I’m doing fine, really. I, uh, kind of lost my arm, but I got it replaced by this evil alien species and it has some kind of alien magic now, and… Gosh, that must be really confusing for you, right?”_ he chuckles, rubbing his neck anxiously. _“I guess I need to start at the beginning…”_

Adam can do nothing but stare at the screen. He’s glued to his lips, breathes in every word he says as if he’s stopped breathing after the accident; his brain is frozen for the time being, not able to comprehend anything else than what Takashi tells him with his awkward smile 

He’s got a scar on his nose, a tuft of white hair, military cut grown out, an alien prothesis – but it’s still Takashi. It’s still the man he loves. 

_“I love you. I hope I’ll see you soon.”_

A black screen cuts Takashi’s face off. The little bar at the bottom says that there should come more after the video, but Adam quickly sets it back to the beginning, so he can watch his boyfriend again. The second time he actually listens to his story, his explanation for all the stuff that happened in the last years. Adam wonders briefly why Lance isn’t with him but forgets it quickly as the screen goes black again. 

He repeats the video a third time, then a fourth time. He’s just about to watch it a fifth time, but with his shaking hands he fumbles a second too long and quickly halts himself as the black on the screen vanishes to show him another person. 

_“Hey babe.”_ Lance’s face flickers up on the screen. Hair a bit longer, smile tighter, eyes dull with the things he has seen out there, but this the same ocean blue Adam fell in love with. He’s in the same armor as Takashi, but with blue accents, has a few scratches on the pristine white and even a small one on his cheek, and Adam wants nothing more than to reach through the screen and wrap him into his arms, shield him from the war he fights in. 

_“You’re probably wondering why Takashi and I aren’t sending you one message together.”_ He tries to force a smile, but it doesn’t reach his eyes, so he looks to the side instead. _“Well, he probably told you already that he doesn’t remember much from around the time he was abducted. He even has some gaps in his memory from his time at the Garrison… and… those gaps, they include me.”_

Adam gasps. “Oh, no. Lance…” A tear makes its way over his cheek, gets caught in Adam’s collar, but he doesn’t care. All he cares about is the broken boy in front of him, his suffering lover who he can’t comfort, who doesn’t know that Adam is crying for him too; that Adam curses the universe for not taking only one of them, but both in its grasp to fight in a war for all of them. 

Lance takes a shaky breath. _“It’s easy to fake being okay in front of the others, even Takashi because… because he doesn’t really know me anymore, but I can’t really lie to your face, can I?”_ His smile is a weak mask, tears are already leaking, the corner of his mouth shaking. 

_“I tried to talk to him, I thought he might remember if I give him some time to recover, but… any memory or thought from that time hurts him. Not just mentally, but physically too. Especially since the second time he vanished. He came back so much different than before.”_

Lance rubs his eyes, then the rest of his face in frustration before his hand cards through his hair. A gesture he always does when he’s talking about a difficult topic. 

_“I thought about talking to my team, you know? Keith is here too, as well as Hunk and Pidge. Oh, uh, Pidge really is Matt’s sister, in case you remember our conversation. I don’t think they would mind my sexuality, but I don’t know if they would believe me if I tell them the truth. I kind of made them think of me as a big goofball so they don’t find out anything about… us. And I don’t know if telling everyone but Takashi is the right decision; it would be too unfair to him.”_

Lance’s eyes avoid the camera for a bit, but Adam still sees the distress in them, the thinks he wants to tell him but doesn’t, too afraid to hurt him. Gosh, even billions of miles away, in the middle of a galactic space war with an evil alien race he still thinks about Adam’s feelings.

 _“So, yeah. That’s that. The shitty part, I mean,”_ Lance huffs. _“Well, I guess the shittiest part is the space war we got thrown into, but I don’t want to fuss about that. I get to fly cool space aircrafts though, giant sentient robot Lion’s. I was in the Blue Lion first, but I switched with Keith later on, now he’s in Black, I’m in Red and Allura, our space princess, is in Blue. Hunk is in Yellow and Pidge in Green, and together we can form this dope mega Mecha that can take out pretty much any weapon the Galra point at us,”_ he rambles on. Adam can see Lance kneading his hands nervously. 

Lance looks up from his hands, finally looking at the camera again. His smile is sincere this time, sincere but bittersweet. _“Saving other planets feels pretty great, but… I miss you. And I miss Takashi. I just miss us, you know?”_

A ‘I miss you too’ is on the tip of his tongue, but Adam stays quiet; too afraid to miss a single word. 

_“I’m sorry, but I have to end it here. I still have to record something for my family, and I don’t want the others to get suspicious why I’m taking so long. I’ll look after Takashi, okay? I’ll make sure that we both get home safely. I don’t know if you got my last message back on earth, but I’m pretty sure you haven’t moved on from us, have you? You probably tried to or told yourself you moved on; but I know you, Adam. I know you’re still head over heels for us, and I can’t wait to see you again.”_

Lance chuckle is a sound from heaven. His smile looks real now, the thought of his return making both bubble with happiness and anticipation.

_“I love you. Bye for now!”_

“I love you, too.” Adam whispers into the empty bedroom while tears leak down his face. Hearing from both of them, seeing them alive and safe gives him hope that someday, they will be together again. That everything will turn out fine. That they will have their happy end together. 

Adam looks at the tearstained screen in his hand. He wipes it with his sleeve, leans back on the bed and repeats the video again. 

_”Hey Adam…”_

**Author's Note:**

> The flower mentioned is a White Butterfly lily: Cuban’s national flower; frequently used in bridal bouquets, and for offerings to Saints and to the deceased.
> 
> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Comments mean the world to me, so please tell me what you think about this fic.
> 
> And in case you were wondering, here is [ my tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/wertdifferenz).


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